From Very Long Ago

I asked my mother if she ever had it happen to her. I couldn't have been very old. It's
being fully dreaming and awake. Ioanna said that when she was 15 or so she thought she was
dead or that everyone else was dead, even though she went right along talking with everyone
and she was ok with that. Some sort of fractalisation of reality. I would try very hard
to understand extremes like 'nothing' and 'forever' when I was going to sleep. This was
just a sort of ritual, not anything that was consuming me. When I would go to bed and it
was quiet (maybe sometimes not quiet) and my brain could play with itself. Fantastic and
simple. Now the palatte is much larger. The question games turn away too much from
existence. Experiencing existence as a scientist, a young mind that is very scientific
because it doesn't expect a certain pattern. There is no introduction to God. Now I
question how safe it is to meet God so young, when one wants to test and experiment with
all things.
I am impatient. I want to dream all the time. The worst part is that
I've forgotten that it's very easy to go to sleep. I want to force myself into some
sleep-state but it's so easy. Death seemed delicious, quiet. Nothing and perfect. Now I'm
compelled to gain enough to have access to the most comfortable. In exchange I fill up my
head with strange forces pushing machines and people. Ink, paper, glass, plastic, metal,
electricity, light.