The Turn of the Knife

I knew I shouldn't spend the money. When I think of the money, or think of spending it, I think of the scene in the movie where Hannibal Lecter prepares the man's brain and feeds it to him. If I buy a cup of coffee, I'm actually drinking my grey matter. A bizarre notion, and surely I'm demented, but these are the thoughts that plague me. Still, I was standing in this humdrum town, waiting for soggy cold tumbleweeds to bounce along the wind, which was naturally blowing against me, and my body did not want to walk anymore.

I'm far from physically lazy when it comes to walking. I've walked distances and never really owned a working car. I have two legs, two feet and it's not a problem. It was a psychic wall, perhaps. As I walked by the shrine to american football, I saw a yellow taxi minivan, one of my favorite types of taxi. The van slowed and pulled into a spot in front of me. The driver got out and opened the side door for the passenger. I called out and asked him if he were free. It was providence for both of us.

When I got in, he turned up the radio for, as he noted, my benefit. Some football game crashed and cheered in the taxi. I told him I'm going to Colfax & Eddy. He said, "If you know how to get there, let's go!" He was a little too cheerful. He didn't drop the flag, and the meter stared at me blank and dead. I began to consider the distance, under 1.5 miles, and decided that he would get 5+2 tip. 7 is a good number, and the whole arrangement rang of synchronicity.

There wasn't much to talk about. I asked him if he was from this town, and he said he was. I made up a place that I'm not from, then clarified that "it's not the one in Ohio." to make it more believable, as if he bothered to assess the verity of my claim. God knows what accent I was using anyway. My street came up and I told him in good time. He swung around the corner and I was home. Then, he decided to make a claim of his own. "Ten dollars." I had already considered this eventuality. I have been playing a half-dozen chess games with players better than myself. My endgame for the taxi would be, "Take it up with god or the police if it hurts that bad, but you're getting 5 from me."

I replied to his fare, "That was a really short ride and off the meter. You can have 5." The problem with these numbers is that they're exactly half. People get their knickers all twisted when they think they're getting exactly half of what they deserve. The value of a dollar isn't such that I could have said, "I have 5.50," and my number was already out of my mouth and on the table. He looked up at the ceiling of the cab and threw his hands up. "Oh man. You don't wanna pay me?!"

This problem really wasn't mine. I thought I was doing him a favor by keeping it off the meter and out of his dispatch. These smalltown folk don't understand how it works when there are carniverous fish in the pond. "I'll pay you 5 dollars. I would have paid 2 more as a tip, but I would feel that I was robbing not only myself but you as well if I did pay 7 at this point." "What?! What the hell are you talking about?!" I handed him the 5, looking at him in his rear-view mirror, "Take it up with god or the police if it hurts that bad, but you're getting 5 from me." I opened the door and got out. He no longer existed.

When I opened my door, I thought to call a Jewish friend and share my burden. It was then that I heard his engine muscle off down the street and turn the corner. My phone was still in the taxi. !@#$#@%