"Magical Thinking"? ...va te faire foutre

I want to write a story. Really, though, I think I need to live a story. I know we all live stories, but I need some serious plot development. It makes for difficult writing when it feels like the life lived, the collection of experience from which to draw is lacking. Let this not be so much a complaint as an examination of the problem. I want to write, but I don't feel like I have anything worth writing, or rather, reading, as my life feels only barely, no, not even barely, worth living and having lived.  Well, it's been worth having lived for the most part, unless one looks at the really big picture, but that picture depresses people and I don't want to depress people.

It's not young gizz in the wind anymore. People seem to have all these sorts of expectations. It must be true that I have expectations. I think they're different, the expectations I have of life and myself and those of other people. Generally speaking, I mean. Samuel Hargestam, a sort of genius, was able to articulate that he was “special needs”. I thought that was sort of funny, but we're in different spots Sam and I financially. I have no money. He probably doesn't have much money, I don't know, and he might be contending with some hell that I am not aware of.

That's just the thing. I need some mission. Some enormous, encompassing, consuming mission. I don't mean like Save the Whales or Children or whatever. At least, that's not what I think the mission I should be sent on is. Something more important, something ineffable. Ineffable, but completely believable, a mission in which I am invested with my life. Perhaps, for example, I could assist Samuel in his North American arctic destiny. Karma is an idea that's been corrupted, I think, and I am not confident that I perceive it in any accurate source sense but the idea that, “Do good stuff and good stuff will happen” appeals to me. The good stuff doesn't even have to happen to me, but that would be cool.

I'm not going to be an Oxford Don, but maybe I could be a Bucknell grad or something like that. As loathesome as some of the arrogance of academic antics can be, I can't claim any sustained humility that would put me above it, and believing I'm above stuff makes me an asshole. I think the term I'm looking for isn't “Karma” but “Misión dirigido Humilidad” or “Mission guided Humility” if it doesn't demand I work in the spanish language realm. If my sense is then true, that my life and experience, experience I must collect for mining metaphoric gold to filigree a fiction, then my course, as such, is right and true. My flighty spirit though, the nature of my spirit, knowing myself, must be checked. Follow some rules: don't fly to close to the sun sorts of things, etc.