Earnesty

So, I look up at the blue sky and hold up my hands. I'm calmer now. I carry more now. After two years of sleep, I feel like I'm waking. It's not so cold, and actual sleep is still hard but not terrible. I'm getting some fiber and exercise. Scurvy should be put off by the apple I ate. Rodrigo & Gabriela play Stairway to Heaven in my gifted iPod Shuffle. It somehow fits my mood.

I can barely remember the bus. Somewhere between Philadelphia and South Bend a kid sold me like some random amount of broken .5mg alprazolam pills. Some ununiformed police asked me how much I'd been drinking. I took offense. That much I remember. I asked him why he would ask me that and he said, "You're slurring your words." I think we left it alone. A nice lady pacified me. I can remember her face and form. I can't remember if she was from Chile or from Russia. I probably tried to speak the wrong language, and I can't speak the languages properly anyway. Just Giosuesan.

I watched the river run away from me, carrying foam and leaves, fishes and forms all fast away, like time and life and pain. Let it go, I felt. I just subdued a cataclysm of emotion to write that experience. I can't tell you how tender it is. I think about things like trees reaching for the sun, things to remind me that so long as my core is sound, I can still go. And I'm not in such bad shape. My mind is a bad neighborhood though, and the gimmick of the turn of phrase is terribly true. I should stay out of it alone. I sat and told some woman to do the Next Right Thing. She was worried about money. I told her that money gone is money gone, and that it's not to be concerned about.

She told me she had never cut grass. I've tried to push a man-machine mower through a trailer lot. It wasn't well oiled. I was small, but man I tried. I could get her so far and then thump, she locked up. It's like trying to escape an ocean to give up. If you stop fighting it, stop fearing it, but respect it, she will put you to shore; or not, but what's the difference? Life.

I've been telling myself and others that when I make plans g-d laughs and I'm sure it's been amusing enough. I'm going to the art museum to find some victory. This morning I've been playing Rocky.

A-la. I'm wide awake, it's morning.