Intro

O full-orb'd moon, did but thy rays

Their last upon mine anguish gaze!

Beside this desk, at dead of night,

Oft have I watched to hail thy light:

Then, pensive friend! o'er book and scroll,

With soothing power, thy radiance stole!

In thy dear light, ah, might I climb,

Freely, some mountain height sublime,

Round mountain caves with spirits ride,

In thy mild haze o'er meadows glide,

And, purged from knowledge-fumes, renew

My spirit, in thy healing dew!

Goethe: Faust I.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The More Better

I was a man back when
I should have been a kkid
Hitting sticks and skipping bricks
Family god gave me and god gave good.

Stiil, I missed that innocence
For me I wanted only good
I wanted my mom to love my dad
She did. He was in jail, loveless.

I used to fear it was a curse
That I would repeat the mistakes
My ancestors did; have children
And show them how to Hate.

I am still a child
Barely a man. I have
scores to settle before
I can give in to youth

The weak weak ways of
Hate and Jealousy, even
Complacency and a two
week vacation to make sense of it.

See, what happened to me
I can't forget in two weeks
I choose the hardest path
before I betray my loves:

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Balances

I will die here
I will die here
For someone else
Not for me

I won't die here
I can't die here
A sacrifice I can't
Make of myself

For you to live
Your hopes and dreams
You must crush mine
And I will die.

The Butterfly Knife

Every morning, Craig, a flaming gay 8 year old complete with shoulder fur and occasional skirt was the object of ridicule. The girls loved him, the boys made threats among themselves of the things they would do to him. Dirty gay straight boys. One of them was named Armand, a black kid who was as small as me, but who felt he should use his voice as loud as no one ever should. A rule of life, I learned, is that the louder you speak, the less you have to say.

Armand decided, for whatever reason, though I can imagine that it was because I was in his weight class and effeminate in his own right, that one day after school he would have it out with me. He accused me of being racist for not wanting to talk to him, for ignoring him, for keeping my even strides back to my house across the dirty field. Then the overt threats came. When they were ignored, I felt a sudden blow to the right side of my face. I stopped and turned to look at him.

"What?" "What exactly do you want from me?" I asked with an authority in my voice that was comfortable but somehow felt like it wasn't mine. "Give me what you've got!" I think he was making this up as he went along. I quickly produced a butterfly flip knife and flung the handles around and back so the blade made a forboding motion to lock. "I don't think so. I'm white, but I'm not the right white kid." He got all legal all of a sudden, "MY DADDY'S A POLICEMAN!" "Oh yeah?" I asked. "Then what exactly are you doing right now? "Self-defense" You attack me with that knife I have the right to self defense. "What about my self fence? You struck me without warning." "You're a racist cracker." We went back to this.

As I folded up the knife to put away, he snatched it. A good move, I have to confess. The tables were somewhat turned. I wasn't afraid. I moved in on him. He strugged to get the handles to lock and make the knife a weapon. I moved closer. He edged away. "NOW I've got EVIDENCE!" He did have a sort of point, though truly he shouldn't be assaulting other children then claiming his father was police and thus exempt from the laws that applied to the rest of us kids. I couldn't have been more than 10. What a brat, this kid.

I've had at least two amazing black lovers, and once you have a romantic sexual relationship with a willing, very giving woman from another race you're just not racist. I mean, we're all racist, we cross the street when it's full of black kids and the other side is little old chinawomen. That's just our programming. I can claim, though, that I've been very close, very much inside of the lives of black women, and even though they had to defend me from their friends who didn't appreciate her "peckerwood" and herself from the snide comments here and there down the street, we were lovers. One of whom is dead now, the other I'd rather not see again as long as she lives. In neither final scene of our affairs were there any racial calls before the curtain.

Now Armand had the knife. He was going to give it to his father for evidence. I figured I was just minding my own business when attacked and moved to defend myself. Granted, I was clumsy to have lost the butterfly knife, but I did what I thought was right. My stepfather at the time would lecture about the human condition, survival of the fittest, and wanting to kill your father and fuck your mother. What the hell did he know anyway? He just wanted my mother.

He took the knife running across the field, and later I'd get my revenge, no... let me rephrase. God would redeem that pain by providing me with two of the most gorgeous and hottest black lovers that even a black man could imagine. Good luck Armand. I hope your own father is there to protect you. Revenge is not my business, but you assaulted and robbed me. Did you have any hot sisters?

Sunday, August 23, 2009

He had no idea how to use guns. Triggers, cocking, levers for reloading, etc. he had an idea about, but no practical familiarity with guns as weapon for a man. In his hands he had some sort of rifle. It had a switch for fully automatic and burst. Since he didn't have any known supply of ammunition other than what was in his cartridge, he went for burst. Their voices threatened through the windowless second floor, like they were on rooftops nearby. They were hunting someone. He would not be quarry. If they presented their bodies, he would fire projectiles into their heads and move after each volley. No matter how outnumbered he was, he would continue to kill them, one by one, two by two, until they were no longer a threat or he was dead.

His beautiful girl and son were already landing from their ferry across the sea. They would be safe. It was him against a fate, one which carried its threat through wrongness or evil. In his heart, he knew that he had not wronged anyone in any way that gave justice to the assault he faced. Men of hearts they were unsure of had fled, given up their wives or daughters, watched their sons slain in the hope that their miserable lives be spared. More often than not, the final conclusion was several rounds to the head of the man who had sold everything he loved to save a life not worth living.

Good men, loud men, men who spoke with great conviction about righteousness and god were all among those whose families they watched brutalized and whose lives ended without any hope for redemption or salvation. These were sad stories, they lived, and sad endings they found. Omar had been more quiet than most. He was aware that god had the tendency to make men eat their words. To him, tolerance, understanding, and forgiveness were the only ways that one might find their way to a life blessed and under the auspices of god. It was part formal training, but mostly he knew this in his heart.

They had accents from other countries, though he could understand one man from the South. He overheard, "They live like pigs, they will die like dogs!" Girls screamed too nearby for Omar to handle. He clenched his eyes and begged that mercy be made for them, that justice fall upon their attackers. Where, he seethed under his breath, did the Quran say anything about this? These men were savages, brutes, djinn making the devout seem evil. They made a mockery of all that was good and all that was love. It was not Omar's place to understand, but he could not understand how they should be allowed to live in such grotesque blasphemy.

Above, their boots clunked on his roof. He heard them make their way over to the Macias' home by rooftops. They were probably looking for valuables and women. How sick was all of this. Omar felt like he should have emerged to the roof to assassinate the most he could of them while they were still on the roof like vultures. How many families would he have protected? How many tears would he have held back from mothers, daughters, brothers and fathers? What sickness was this?

So many centuries ago, the arabs were at the forefront of architecture, medicine, astronomy, chemistry, math, and physics. Now they were mere pawns for great bloated beasts like the United States and her vicious appetites. He had met few americans. The ones he had met did not harbor any particular patriotism, in fact more of a sheepish almost embarrassed guilt for their nationality.

Where was the good for all of this? "All things must work together for good." he had been taught and knew by his heart. Where, then, was the good for the humiliation of his people at the hands of US and Soviet armed militaries. Their motive seemed clear: To establish the most docile and dependent regime they could and maintain them under their control. For the control of oil, Israel, and the fear and respect in the hearts and minds of people.

We are a civil, and peaceful people. We were, at least, until the Soviets came in and natural selection quickly eliminated all but the most piggish wardogs of us. Cross-eyed and brutal, without the sensitivities and love that man has for his brethren. It was all about who could command the most fear. One of the oldest most profane ways society could play out had done just so. When the Soviets had left, their arms were abandoned to the warlords. The U.S.A. came in with more arms and technology to make sure that the C.C.C.P. was kept at bay, and that no oppressor could ever exploit us again.

Omar was going to leave for Morocco when night fell, but he had to make it through the day first. Bearded men sat around a table with maps and drank scotch to determine the options they had for subjugating the city. Omar had paid his old friend Jacque for transport across the Algerian border in exchange for more money than any of the working class would make in two or three years. It was a cost that was not prohibitive, for it was a cost for life. Omar was buying his own life. That's how his life became so valuable, to himself at least.