Another Modest Proposal.

Bruce was the President of our organization, and our organization was the illuminati of Philanthropy.  A small cabal of geniuses, the wealthiest of the wealthy, and well connected, I was an oddball.  Gratefully, the President took interest in me that particular morning and asked me about myself.  I stumbled and mumbled my unimpressive curriculum vitae at 20, a high school dropout, only a year before sleeping in a boiler room on 6^th Ave to survive the cold.  I was mostly quiet about myself.

He talked to me about what the greater minds, those in and interested in the gateway and seats of real power, those with a heart and mind for the love of man and the vision of the wise were all talking about.  If the zeitgeist of our day is Greenness, or better put the very foolish poisoning of ourselves in the interest of profits, the autosabotage economically and politically by the foolhardy reluctance to see and act – to change, in his day the concern he mentioned was population growth.  “How will we support so many people?” he asked rhetorically and to make his point plain. 

A true concern.  Though it feels to me that the limitations of resources has been nothing new,  what is new as a fly in the ointment of progress is the industrialization of agriculture, the uncharted but presumably better living through chemistry.

Like any teenage girl, I have obsessed and found fault in my complexion, my eye color, my teeth, my clothing, my nosehair, my penis size and my hairyness.  Still, I have been reassured that I am a desirable mate.  Rather, I’ve been desired.  The thing is, I could recommend better men to couple with and parent children with.  Not just because of my psychological damage, my hand in my environmental development, but because they are more clever, taller, and more perfect symmetry.

So, I have a proposal to future dictators, fascists with a penchant for eugenics.  I volunteer to sacrifice my own life, as a standard that must be surpassed.  Measure planes of intellect, categorize the traits and strengths of gender and such, make the criterion fair, but I am willing to die for the human race.  For our comfort, for our evolution, for our development.

People?  We’ve got extras.  I’m willing to set an example.

i wish we could sit in warmth

dark

like just talking under the covers in a bed.

in confidence

i could reveal my wings

i could see your halo

Cholos, Trollops, Lotharios, Broken Bones and Letters Os

The television is on, and it's late in the day.  Ted's father fights his way from the reclining chair he's maintained for twenty years, blind to the dust on the surfaces of the furniture in the room and the small floating bits lit by the sun coming in the windows to the south and west.  He's going for the mason jar of mountain dew he keeps under the sink.  It sits there with the cleanser and scrubbers as if forgotten and forgettable -- you know, in case the law comes 'round.

There are chains on the refrigerators to keep his stores safe from bears and thieves.  He's old enough to be over the chronic lust for women but needs his shits and kicks as much as any old kook with limited education.  "Slim pickins" was how he'd phrase it to Ted.  There were a couple of old mountain hermits he got together with to have a laugh, talk shit, and play cards.  That was largely the extent of his social group, not including the keepers of the general store down the road, to whom he was an outsider.

Folks didn't just move to these mountains.  There was no draw but anonymity and insulation from the greater world.  Those who came rather than those who were born to the mountains were crooks, kooks, and criminals; outlaws who had taken a sort of vow and become hermits,  their time for reflection, kookdom, and magical thinking.

If he had some beauty, I'd say that he was so remote in his house, ways, and outlaw life and days that he wasn't exuberant about Americanism, saw no real allegiance but to the god that granted him his peculiar conscience, and was as wary of anything he saw coming from the television as he was strangers coming up the mountain to his house.  There was a rifle on top of the washer & dryer; this was also to handle bears and thieves and "just in case".

While I stood over a pot, stirring canned chili, Ted's dad unscrewed his mason jar and offered me a whiff.  There was an apple slice floating in the just slightly murky brew.  "Firewater!" he kooked, crimping his neck and stamping his foot, laughing through the contortions.  He offered me a sip and then watched greedily for my reaction.  I considered the strength of the drink as it burned my tongue and throat, then the warmth started in my core.  My reaction was a raising of the eyebrows and a nod of the head.

He smiled broadly and turned around as if to show his friends what had transpired.  "That's my injun boy!  Don't get into this stuff," he warned, "injuns can't handle it.  They go off wild."

I sighed silently and smiled at the grinning crew around the kitchen table, nodding my head and feeling like I should perform some sort of asian bow or salute of deference.  They were, after all, the white men with the gun and the liquor.  I could hear the traffic rushing by on the interstate highway through the trees up the mountain.  It had rained and was dark early, the winter wet carrying that hum down the mountain and into my head.  At worst, I could find this highway and thumb it to civilization.

I didn't need to, but I was in the habit of always considering means of disappearing.  I was a paranoid young man.  I had my reasons, though.  Even today, I don't want to give those options up, but 16 years ago it was all I knew.  Jason should be sleeping.  He was the driver.  He had a license, and it was his car.  Even though he's half blind, to the left, I always felt safe riding with him.  There was a drive when I felt I had to hit myself with a dose of diamorphine in the back seat because he was hurtling along a pacific coastal highway, mixing blindness with escarpment features that looked the perfect setting for a hollywood car cliff death.  It culminated in a personal crisis, and the D was all I had.

Out in the mountains, his crazy jewishness was a consolation and so long as he got some rest, we could be on our way soon.  The chili was heated up, so I offered to share the three can split with the three white men in the kitchen, mentioning that there were two more to feed from the pot.  They declined, appropriately, and I asked Ted to eat and find Jason.  Jason slept through the chili, but had his reserves of jerky, really good jerky.

It was a shack, sort of, this small house in the mountains.

Wake Up & Dream

Wake up and dream you wasting fuck.  You capitulate visions of supreme joy before you have them.  You resign to a living death sentenced by circumstance.  Dream, you dumb fuck, and don't doubt yourself.  None will see what you see, and if you are too afraid to want something you'll be in fine company.  Except you loathe them, you can't stand to see the breeders and the entitled colonists, the blind and happy haters, the cluckers, the tsk tsk tskers.

You've dreamt big before and by the mercy of god and your sheer pure innocent need you have found love in life.  You've trapsed borders and been honest to lovers.  You've gained friends and cherished strangers.  Go, and go now or you will find no reason to live this life.  It's never been for you.

Get your shit together and make your music.  It started before at Action Discount and it can go again.  You are a blessed and loved child of an enormous and powerful universe.  Don't stop until you can reste easy.

In Memoriam of Nanu Guerrero

I was surely depressed.  I was laying on the floor on a little mat I'd made -- next to my bed -- with the lights out.  It's not clear to me how long exactly I was just laying there or what my thoughts were, but they were interrupted by an opening of my door and the silhouette of tightly curled half african hair.  She flashed me a white smile and pounced on me.  I was sad and her visit was perfect.  It was a moment I'll maybe always remember.  She was pretty, and she smiled.

I told her one night before in conclusion to some bizarre debate, "What's the worst that could happen to us?  We'd die?  We -can't- die; we're young."  She laughed hysterically at that.  I can't remember if she thought I was on acid or I thought she was on acid or either or both of us were or weren't.  I don't think I remember Nanu doing acid.

Ella em munta i va tirar les calces a un costat. Estava xop. Com va lliscar cap avall sobre mi, em vaig sentir una mica de màgia perfecta, que ella sabia com em sentia i que el plaer mutu era una medicina. Així van ser les respiracions i sons que ella va fer.  Mai ejaculat dins d'ella quan fèiem l'amor, però ella es recargolava i em va acariciar fal.lus amb el cony humit magnífic fins que estava buida. Ella era una noia increïble, un regal per a mi, un amant increïble i sempre vaig a recordar els moments en que em sorprendria.


She died with secrets and beauty, and my understanding was rapidly and without much suffering.

Get What You Want; It's All Here

The circus, the banjo, the rattle of cars and hoofs. These seem like a tidy and goodly folk. There's one born every second. See the man with no adult incisors insistent on proving the dentist wrong.

I've tried to will my being through windows, down drains, into skies and across oceans. Usually I end up in a pack of monkeys. It's a jungle out here. My arms are too weak to swing. My back hurts from standing upright.

I wish I could go hang out with some astronomers / astrophysicists. They'd probably fuck my head all the way up. Just seeing the moon sometimes makes me stop in my tracks.

Maybe I'll just go rub my balls with a salve of Rogaine.

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Lovelost

I'm 31.  No longer a child.  I'm certain though, that I would be miserable with a mortgage and a lawn, children and the march into the meaninglessness of late model cars, office politics, and living like a modern american.  I have to be true to myself.  I can't lie to the girl I love.  I don't want that.  If I'm an old man and I'm alone with memories of so many magical romances, so many transcendental experiences, then I am not scared to die alone an old man.  They give you good drugs when you're dying anyway.

Perhaps when I'm 40 I'll feel that the earth is missing my progeny, my genes, and the torch of my soul.  As it stands, I can't see that or feel that way.  I get a life to live.  For me.  If I live it for someone else, maybe it is richer.  They say you get what you give.  I'm just not ready to give up magical thinking and travelling as an adventurer rather than a tourist.  I've been who I am since the defining moment at 14 when I left home forever.  I came back and stayed for periods of my teens, but I was a guest, a visitor in my mother's house, who was a tyrant of a mother, swayed by notions of special roles and pretenses to keep up.  She, I believe, inherited them from her parents and the 50s / 60s, but I am a product of now.  The world is mine now, and I don't want america or her dreams.

I don't want lawns to cut, neighborhoods to modestly brag about, or play any of that farce.  Women make magic, but only when they keep the girl inside them who trusts the universe and me.  They get rarer and rarer as I get older, but I would not starve for magic.  What the fuck do I know, anyway.  I don't have your diplomas, your mortgages, your children, or even a salary right now.  You know what the fuck I know?  There is nothing, NOTHING, more beautiful than moonlight on naked bodies in love.